Friendships are often a good way to build bridges - if we can maintain a friendship with someone of a background or belief system that's different from our own.
About twelve years ago I was "unfriended" by two different women - both friendships that began in early adulthood, but at different times and in different places. When both of these friendships began we were in similar places on our spiritual journeys. We were spiritual seekers whose journeys eventually took different paths. Each friendship lasted for several decades, mostly maintained with long-distance phone calls and letters.
I will call one of these friends Susan. Susan lives in Alabama where we first met, while I have moved on to Tennessee, then New York, and now Wisconsin. Susan became deeply entrenched in fundamentalist Christianity, whereas I grew away from any specific religious identity toward a multi-faith spirituality. We based our friendship on those interests we continued to hold in common, until 2008 when I became a certified life-cycle celebrant. In this capacity I created and performed personalized wedding ceremonies ( as well as memorial services and a baby name ceremony). The weddings ranged from inter-faith, to spiritual, to totally non-religious. I created ceremonies that were meaningful to the couple whose love was being celebrated. I loved this work and felt that I was offering a wonderful service for couples who did not adhere to a specific religion but wanted something that reflected their own beliefs and their love for each other.
During the early days of my new venture I received a letter from Susan, letting me know that she was cutting off communication with me because I was encouraging people in their sinful ways. She said that my heart was hardened against God. Soon afterward we lost touch with each other and I sadly removed her name from my address book.
I will call the other friend Millie. I have known her longer than I've known Susan. We explored similar spiritual paths when we were in college together. Eventually she became an Animist. I thought I could relate to this concept because I do believe that God is a part of Creation, not a separate entity. Without going into the details, it seems that my concept of a divine universe did not mesh with Millie's beliefs. She objected to the comments I made on her blog, and eventually blocked me. When I performed a wedding in her town, I went to the house and knocked on the door. She did not answer it.
In 2018 my husband, son, and I traveled to Arizona to see the Grand Canyon and visit Sedona. I remembered that Susan had loved Sedona and used to talk about moving there. I looked up her address so I could send her a post card from Sedona. Soon afterward I received a letter from her in which she apologized for shunning me and admitted that she had been wrong. She still thinks I'm wrong about religion, but has come to realize our differences don't mean we can't be friends.
The same year I received a letter from Millie, apologizing for the way she had treated me, and asking if we could renew our friendship. At that time I was in New York and she had moved to Massachusetts. We corresponded and discussed the possibility of seeing each other again. Millie created a zine based on her interests in animism and cannabis. She asked me to buy one for $7, which I did. I read the zine and decided it was not something I wished to subscribe to. She kept asking me to subscribe, and when I didn't, she stopped writing. A year later I wrote to tell her I was moving to Wisconsin and she said something that amounted to: "Have a good life."
So what is the lesson here, I ask myself. We can build bridges with friendships, but sometimes bridges are burned. We can practice forgiveness seventy times seven, but sometimes the forgiven one won't accept our forgiveness - or maybe she thinks she is the one who needs to forgive and won't. Relationships can be a mystery. I believe the main lesson of every life is to love unconditionally as much as possible. But love comes in many forms and flavors. Sometimes we just have to love and let go.
