Friendships Lost and Renewed

        

       Friendships are often a good way to build bridges - if we can maintain a friendship with someone of a background or belief system that's different from our own. 

       About twelve years ago I was "unfriended" by two different women - both friendships that began in early adulthood, but at different times and in different places. When both of these friendships began we were in similar places on our spiritual journeys. We were spiritual seekers whose journeys eventually took different paths. Each friendship lasted for several decades, mostly maintained with long-distance phone calls and letters. 

       I will call one of these friends Susan. Susan lives in Alabama where we first met, while I have moved on to Tennessee, then New York, and now Wisconsin. Susan became deeply entrenched in fundamentalist Christianity, whereas I grew away from any specific religious identity toward a multi-faith spirituality. We based our friendship on those interests we continued to hold in common, until 2008 when I became a certified life-cycle celebrant. In this capacity I created and performed personalized wedding ceremonies ( as well as memorial services and a baby name ceremony). The weddings ranged from inter-faith, to spiritual, to totally non-religious. I created ceremonies that were meaningful to the couple whose love was being celebrated. I loved this work and felt that I was offering a wonderful service for couples who did not adhere to a specific religion but wanted something that reflected their own beliefs and their love for each other. 

       During the early days of my new venture I received a letter from Susan, letting me know that she was cutting off communication with me because I was encouraging people in their sinful ways. She said that my heart was hardened against God. Soon afterward we lost touch with each other and I sadly removed her name from my address book. 

       I will call the other friend Millie. I have known her longer than I've known Susan. We explored similar spiritual paths when we were in college together. Eventually she became an Animist. I thought I could relate to this concept because I do believe that God is a part of Creation, not a separate entity. Without going into the details, it seems that my concept of a divine universe did not mesh with Millie's beliefs. She objected to the comments I made on her blog, and eventually blocked me. When I performed a wedding in her town, I went to the house and knocked on the door. She did not answer it.

       In 2018 my husband, son, and I traveled to Arizona to see the Grand Canyon and visit Sedona. I remembered that Susan had loved Sedona and used to talk about moving there. I looked up her address so I could send her a post card from Sedona. Soon afterward I received a letter from her in which she apologized for shunning me and admitted that she had been wrong. She still thinks I'm wrong about religion, but has come to realize our differences don't mean we can't be friends. 

       The same year I received a letter from Millie, apologizing for the way she had treated me, and asking if we could renew our friendship. At that time I was in New York and she had moved to Massachusetts. We corresponded and discussed the possibility of seeing each other again. Millie created a zine based on her interests in animism and cannabis. She asked me to buy one for $7, which I did. I read the zine and decided it was not something I wished to subscribe to. She kept asking me to subscribe, and when I didn't, she stopped writing. A year later I wrote to tell her I was moving to Wisconsin and she said something that amounted to: "Have a good life."

       So what is the lesson here, I ask myself. We can build bridges with friendships, but sometimes bridges are burned. We can practice forgiveness seventy times seven, but sometimes the forgiven one won't accept our forgiveness - or maybe she thinks she is the one who needs to forgive and won't. Relationships can be a mystery. I believe the main lesson of every life is to love unconditionally as much as possible. But love comes in many forms and flavors. Sometimes we just have to love and let go.  

       

Restoring a Lost Friendship

Two Girls Reading in a Garden by Pierre-August Renoir

Forty-seven years ago three 11-year-old girls in a group of four ostracized the fourth because she was the prettiest. While this had not posed a problem during their younger years, it was quite apparent that the boys in their sixth grade class had their eyes on the prettiest one, and so the other three were jealous. The three girls teased Cheryl during recess, mimicking her mannerisms and speech. I was one of the three. I don’t remember behaving this way, but then we tend not to remember our own misdeeds. I'm sure it never occurred to me that my behavior would result in the end of a friendship I cherished. But Cheryl was badly hurt, and so she abandoned us and found other friends.


I never took responsibility for the loss of that friendship, always blaming Cheryl for dropping me in favor of the “cool” pretty girls, not realizing they just happened to be the girls who treated her kindly and welcomed her into their circle. We didn’t speak to each other all through junior high and high school, but I never forgot her, and she continued to visit me in my dreams throughout our adulthood. At our twentieth high school reunion Cheryl – now Cheri – and I finally spoke to each other. Cheri smiled at me and exclaimed warmly: “Emily! You look exactly the way I remembered you!”

“I was hoping to see you here!” I responded, overwhelmed with emotion.

“Look, she’s twinkling!” Cheri said to our husbands. Then the tears that had been sparkling in my eyes spilled over, and sobbing, I confided to her about the dreams that had haunted me for so many years, and the sadness I felt about our broken friendship.

“But I have only fond memories of you,” she said. “Our friendship was very precious to me and I’ve always remembered it that way.” She handed me a tissue for my tears. “We used to share a lot of things, didn’t we?”

As I wiped away my tears I felt myself cleansed and forgiven. After the reunion I returned home to central New York and Cheri to Florida, but we exchanged Christmas cards and friendly notes every year for another twenty years. However, it wasn’t until last year, that we started to e-mail each other and open up about the misunderstanding of our past. I learned why it was that Cheri walked out of my life so long ago, and I understood. We realized what a mistake we had both made by coming to wrong conclusions about each other and not communicating. But then we were only eleven years old! Many adults make the same mistake, and so end relationships that could have been saved by an honest heart-to-heart talk.

When we were children, Cheri and I enjoyed reading the same books, spending time in nature, and working on school projects together. Now we are discovering that we still share many of the same interests, and we’re making up for the lost years. This experience has taught me not to give up on an estranged friend before extending an offer to rebuild the crumbling bridge between us. I can only hope that as people build and rebuild stronger bridges between themselves, the bridges of oneness with all of humanity will become stronger as well!

Rebuilding Bridges of Friendship

Two Girls Reading in a Garden by Pierre-August Renoir

Forty-six years ago three 11-year-old girls in a group of four ostracized the fourth because she was the prettiest. While this had not posed a problem during their younger years, it was quite apparent that the boys in their sixth grade class had their eyes on the prettiest one, and so the other three were jealous. The three girls teased Cheryl during recess, mimicking her mannerisms and speech. I was one of the three. I don’t remember behaving this way, but than we tend not to remember our own misdeeds. I'm sure it never occurred to me that my behavior would result in the end of a friendship I cherished. But Cheryl was badly hurt, and so she abandoned us and found other friends.

I never took responsibility for the loss of that friendship, always blaming Cheryl for dropping me in favor of the “cool” pretty girls, not realizing they just happened to be the girls who treated her kindly and welcomed her into their circle. We didn’t speak to each other all through junior high and high school, but I never forgot her, and she continued to visit me in my dreams throughout our adulthood. At our twentieth high school reunion Cheryl – now Cheri – and I finally spoke to each other. Cheri smiled at me and exclaimed warmly: “Emily! You look exactly the way I remembered you!” 

“I was hoping to see you here!” I responded, overwhelmed with emotion. 

“Look, she’s twinkling!” Cheri said to our husbands. Then the tears that had been sparkling in my eyes spilled over, and sobbing, I confided to her about the dreams that had haunted me for so many years, and the sadness I felt about our broken friendship.

“But I have only fond memories of you,” she said. “Our friendship was very precious to me and I’ve always remembered it that way.” She handed me a tissue for my tears. “We used to share a lot of things, didn’t we?” 

As I wiped away my tears I felt myself cleansed and forgiven. After the reunion I returned home to central New York and Cheri to Florida, but we exchanged Christmas cards and friendly notes every year for another twenty years. However, it wasn’t until this year, just a month ago, that we started to e-mail each other and open up about the misunderstanding of our past. I learned why it was that Cheri walked out of my life so long ago, and I understood. We realized what a mistake we had both made by coming to wrong conclusions about each other and not communicating. But then we were only eleven years old! Many adults make the same mistake, and so end relationships that could have been saved by an honest heart-to-heart talk. 

When we were children, Cheri and I enjoyed reading the same books, spending time in nature, and working on school projects together. Now we are discovering that we still share many of the same interests, and we’re making up for the lost years. This experience has taught me not to give up on an estranged friend before extending an offer to rebuild the crumbling bridge between us. I can only hope that as people build and rebuild stronger bridges between themselves, the bridges of oneness with all of humanity will become stronger as well!