Everyone is Unique

    When I became the grandmother of a child on the autism spectrum I learned that "If you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism." This oft-repeated quote is attributed to Dr. Stephen Shore, an autism advocate who is on the spectrum himself. It is important to be aware that we can't lump all autistic people into the same category. But I would like to add: if you have met one human being, you have met one unique human being." 

    Every human being is a distinct individual unlike any other. And yet, we humans love to lump people together using stereotypes, labels, and typecasting to dehumanize those outside of our own sphere. 

    One example of typecasting is the way many White Americans see African Americans as if they were all alike and all inferior human beings. I grew up in a small Long Island community where there was only one Black family. This family included a girl my age who I remember coming to my house to play and who I invited to my house for birthday parties. I don't remember treating her any differently than I did my other friends who were Jewish, Catholic, Mormon, and Protestant. 

    One of my best friends in college was an African American woman whose Black friends called her an "Oreo." I don't know if this label hurt her feelings, but it did imply that these friends did not acknowledge the individual personality of this woman who just happened to have some interests in common with her White housemates.

 

   After I graduated from college I moved to Washington, D.C. where I worked at an accounting school. Many of the students had come from Nigeria. One of these Nigerian men asked me if I'd like to go with him to a park on a Saturday afternoon. I don't recall what park it was because we never got there. When he picked me up he said he'd decided to take me to his apartment instead. If I hadn't been such a naive, young woman, I would have told him to let me out of the car immediately. I didn't, and I went to his apartment where we danced and he pressed an unwanted kiss on my lips. I told him I wanted to go home and he said, "Before I take you home I want you to do something for me." I asked what that was and he said, "Come on, we aren't children." Oh dear, he had finally broken through my naivety. "Take me home now!" I insisted, and thankfully he did. 

    Back at the office I took this man's application out of the files and saw that he was married. When he called me at work I told him about my discovery. He denied that he was married and asked me to go out with him again! When I refused his invitation he said, "I know you won't go out with me because I'm Black." If that was true, why did I go out with him in the first place? No, it was because as a unique individual he was a despicable person. Okay, I'm sure he had some good qualities, but he did not share them with me on that sunny afternoon when he took me to his dark apartment instead of to the park as he'd promised. 

    Several years later, my husband and I were living in Birmingham, Alabama where he was enrolled in the university's surgeon's assistant program. While we were there we befriended a couple who invited us for dinner at their home. We enjoyed their company and the antics of their clever dog, so we invited them to our apartment. I don't recall the subject of our after-dinner conversation when the wife said, "If you hate niggers the way we do . . . ." I'm sure Mark's and my mouths dropped open at that point and it was most likely the end of the conversation and the end of the visit. I confess that we labeled them "racists" even though they had some positive qualities. I think the difference is that we didn't decide to hate them because of this one flaw. We would never say that "all racists are alike." But knowing this about them made it impossible to continue our friendship. 

    When Mark and I first decided to move from Boston to Birmingham I was filled with trepidation, my only knowledge of Alabama being its violent civil rights history and the report from a childhood pen pal about the separate water fountains for Blacks and Whites. The couple with bigoted leanings fit the stereotype I had in mind, but during our two years in Birmingham we met a wide range of unique and wonderful individuals, some of whom we still call friends 45 years later. 

    I have shared these stories as a few examples and reminders of why we should never stereotype a person because of their race, religion, political party, or any other group they might belong to. If we can remember that every single person is as unique as the fingerprints on their hands, we will be doing our part to build bridges of oneness in the world. 

For another take on this subject, please check out: Is it Fair to Assign an Identity to Someone Else?

Neurodiversity

        

       When a child is born with a disability, building bridges of oneness is the last thing on the parents' and grandparents' minds. My grandson was two and a half when he was diagnosed with autism. I didn't know anything about autism then, but I've learned a lot over the past four years. One thing I've learned is that autism is a common disability, and having autism in the family creates understanding and connections with people we wouldn't have known otherwise. 

       Before our grandson's diagnosis, I didn't think a lot about neurodivergent people. In fact, I wasn't familiar with that term at all. Knowing and loving my grandson has opened my eyes and mind to the challenges of raising a child who does not communicate, learn, and play the way a neurotypical child does. I have struggled to find the spiritual reasons for autism, and what I've come up with is that it teaches the family how to love unconditionally. Whenever we are called upon to make sacrifices in order to care for another person, our hearts stretch and grow just a little bit more. I think that's what this is about.                                                        

       A year and a half ago my husband and I left our New York home of thirty years and moved to Wisconsin to be closer to our children and grandchildren. The main reason was to be here for our grandson, who can't be left with a childcare giver who doesn't understand his disability. While he attends an ABA clinic, there are many times that he can't go for one reason or another, and his parents have to leave work to care for him. When the Covid pandemic hit last year there was no childcare available before and after the clinic hours, and no child care for his younger sister, either, so we realized that our presence in Wisconsin was essential.                                

       Making friends in a new town is difficult in the best of circumstances, but add a pandemic that requires social distancing, and it's nearly impossible. Fortunately I made one new friend before Covid shut everything down. I met JoAnne at the gym, but we were drawn together by the commonality of my special needs grandson and her special needs daughter. Kathleen was born with a genetic micro deletion called 1q44. It is so rare it doesn't have a name or a syndrome associated with it. Some of Kathleen's behavior is similar to that of someone on the autism spectrum. Because she has trouble communicating, JoAnne became a speech pathologist. Before we were separated by social distancing JoAnne came to our house to work with my grandson one day, and she and I got together on several occasions.

                                                         JoAnne and Kathleen

Now that we are fully vaccinated, JoAnne and I are socializing again. The other day we went to a coffee shop together and I wore the T-shirt my daughter had given me for Mother's Day. The purchase was a fund-raiser for the ABA clinic. It tells people to "Embrace Autism." I have to say, while I embrace my grandson and others with autism, I can't embrace the disability itself. If I'm misunderstanding the meaning of this slogan, I'd love to hear from anyone who can explain it to me.

After we finished our coffee and muffins JoAnne and I were browsing through the gift section of the shop when a young man who obviously knew JoAnne said hello. She introduced us and I learned that he had been one of her speech clients when he was three years old. He noticed my shirt and told me that he has a disability, which JoAnne later told me is autism. I realized that by wearing that shirt I helped him to feel comfortable with me. Just acknowledging an awareness of neurodiversity and the people who struggle with it can build bridges between people from different backgrounds and forge new relationships. When I meet people with disabilities now I am much more sensitive toward them and their caregivers than I used to be. But I'm still working on it, realizing it is a lifelong process!

Mothers and Daughters

   

       Mothers everywhere wish they could be closer to their daughters as they grow up, move away, and start families of their own. Some mothers are fortunate to have their daughters live nearby so they can see each other often, but sometimes the geographical proximity cannot make up for the emotional distance between mother and daughter. Sometimes mothers and daughters share common interests and values and sometimes they must make a conscious effort to construct bridges between each other because their lifestyles are so different.  

       My daughter and I are closer emotionally than my mother and I were, even though we are different in more ways than I would like. Vera lives in Wisconsin, hundreds of miles from my home in New York. I was a stay-at-home mother while she is a busy school psychologist. We enjoy different kinds of music, movies, and books. I maintain this blog on the spiritual meaning of Oneness, while she creates make-up tutorials under her name, Vera Lynn.

       My husband and I have always supported Vera's creative endeavors which were mainly musical ones when she lived at home. She took piano lessons for many years, played in a bell choir, sang in various choirs, and earned a music scholarship before deciding to switch her major to psychology. 

       Vera has discovered that school psychology is a lot more stressful than she had anticipated, especially when she has a baby to take care of. Vera copes with this stress by creating new make-up looks for herself and her tutorial audience. While I don't think of make-up as an appropriate topic for a spiritual blog, I will say that women all over the globe like to enhance their beauty with cosmetics, so a passion for make-up IS something that connects women who come from different backgrounds. AND, because I, like mothers all over the world, love my daughter and wish to support her passion, I am posting a link to Vera's most recent tutorial. I hope some of you will enjoy it and subscribe to her You Tube channel. 

      Revisiting this post nearly seven years after I wrote it, I realize how much has changed since then. Vera hasn't had the time or interest to play with make-up or create tutorials  in at least six years. Seven years ago Vera was married with one baby boy. Five and a half years ago she gave birth to a daughter and learned that her son has Autism. The family of four moved back to New York so that Mark and I could help with the special needs of our grandson and the family. Then Vera and her husband decided to divorce and move back to Wisconsin where there are more services for children with Autism. Parents of children with special needs require a lot of support and assistance, so Mark and I decided to move to Wisconsin two years ago in order to be "hands-on" grandparents. 

     This post was originally about supporting Vera's creativity. Now we just support her in whatever she needs - usually childcare for one or both of our grandchildren. There have been times when she was so overwhelmed by challenges at work and at home, I wished we could do more to help her. There is really very little the parents of adult children can do to make their lives easier, though. They have to make their own way and learn their own lessons, as hard as it is to watch. 

     I have told Vera that I believe our higher selves choose our life challenges before we are born, in order to learn lessons and grow spiritually. Souls who choose a lot of challenges are brave indeed. Vera is a brave soul who is advancing spiritually as she hurdles one obstacle after another. I am thankful for Vera, for all of the warmth and love she shares with her children, her stepchildren, the school children she works with, and the other people in her life. Vera is so busy, I don't think she has time for the creative outlets she used to enjoy, and we don't get to see each other as often as I'd like. Nevertheless, we "build bridges" between us whenever and however we can. Recently Vera sent me this fabulous flower arrangement, just to thank me for loving her and being a wonderful grandmother. It made me realize that Vera supports me, too, and made me feel appreciated. Thank you, Vera!